I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
