ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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