if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
