he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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