I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
