$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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