i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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