She announced her abortion via fbk
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
