I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
