I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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