I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
