I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
