Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
