If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
God, I missed his penis.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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