Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
