took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
