Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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