Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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