do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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