I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
