Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
