what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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