my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
