1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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