Since when is my name a synonym for head?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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