Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
