okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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