im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
