In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
