i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize