Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
