i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize