Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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