so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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