Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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