another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
