you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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