You're my little dorito
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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