haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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