Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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