I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i came on her dog
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
