Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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