I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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