i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
