I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
