I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
