im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
