Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
