U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
