I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Randomize
