We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
