I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
