Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
