he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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