im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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