How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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