What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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