i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
