So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
