Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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