I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
