He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
