I CAN MOONWALK!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
