Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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