i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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