does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
