At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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