If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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