Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
cat food counts as protein by the way
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
