I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
