alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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