Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
