i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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