how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
