I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
